The Five Hour Sermon

Pastor Brown was in true form. He was three hours into his sermon and knew he had at least two more to go. He had started in Matthew and now was in 2nd Corinthians. Doing a brief outline he thought he could get to Revelation in a couple of hours.

It was hot in the sanctuary. Hand fans were barely stirring the air. His white shirt was drenched with perspiration, and sweat was dripping from his nose onto his Bible. He had discarded his suit coat a long time ago, and his necktie was draped over the lectern.

He knew the congregation was getting fidgety because they kept glancing at the door. He avoided looking at the elders. When he made eye contact earlier he saw that they were giving him stink eyes. He had watched the church treasurer count and recount the offering four times.

He could hear snoring coming from the front pew and knew that his aunt Bertha was asleep. Jimmy, his nephew, had been to the outhouse five times already.

Lunchtime had come and gone and suppertime wasn’t far off. He kept right on going until his wife got his attention by way of a cough. She frowned and pointed to her watch.

Taking the hint, he abruptly called an altar call. The front of the church was packed. Anything to get off those hard wooden pews and ease their sore rumps and backs!

No one shook his hand as his congregation left the church. They just glared at him and shook their heads in disbelief.

The elders called an emergency meeting and unanimously agreed to let him go. They told him he needed to find an occupation that fit him.

Now he mows yards during the week, and on weekends he’s a long-winded auctioneer!

March 11, 2021